Fitness Geek is the correct term for how I feel about this. I think so. Definitely. The process itself really fascinates me. I can totally dork-out about it. And it's been kinda scary, and I fuss about it.
It all started with physical therapy for having broken my arm last year. Subsequent to that, I set a goal to be able to once again lift the kayak onto the roof of my car last year. Broke my arm in February (hairline through the greater tuberocity, which is the part of the arm bone where all the muscles connect to the shoulder socket). By June I was kayaking again, transporting, lifting the boat, the whole deal. By late July, I was kayaking 10 mile trips and still lifting the kayak onto the car after the trip. And this was all very exciting.
Hitting the gym for the physical therapy every week encouraged me to look into other exercises, equipment, circuits, which all lead to visible differences in my body composition. Which just keeps fascinating me. I started making up my own words for stuff and researching and other such whatnot.
I continued through the winter on my other sport - cross country skiing. That's the flat-ground sort of skiing, for those unfamiliar. Laurel Highlands has some wonderfully athletically challenging trails with hills, steep climbs, scenic trails through rolling hills of trees atop mountains, crest views, just gorgeous.
The process of changing my body has been an adventure, a bit of a rocky adventure at times.
A visit to the gym is over an hour for me, 1-2 times a week. Core to start, lower body on the machines, free weights for upper body, then core again to finish. I'm building a great bit of muscle. It's been both fascinating and scary. I would not put the word wonderful in attachment with any of it. There's a grittier side of all this hardly anyone ever talks about. I want to talk about it. Cuz it's not all endorphins and sunshine, not by a long shot.
Why don't we talk about the difficulties of the fitness process? I mean, I think we could learn a lot from each other. I've had struggles of it, and oddly... ones I don't hear anybody else talking about. So, I'm going to mark out the highlights here.
Firstly,
My body hasn't looked like this since... the worst time in my life.
Just before my parents split, when I was stuck, when physical abuse was a relatively regular part of my life, I was thin. I was thin for all of that chapter of my life. Then my parents split and I took up a lot of home duties to support our smaller family unit in continuing to function, and being at home, doing cooking and such, these new duties resulted in my life being much more sedentary and made it easier to just be eating at any time. I gained 35 pounds in the first 4 months of my better life situation.
I really liked my body before I started hitting the gym last year. Loved it, actually! Succeeding at fitness meant seeing the body type I remembered from my darkest times in life start to resurface. The body shape I used to see in the mirror when I hated my life, seeing that return was difficult. I wanted to quit. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror could at any moment remind me of unhappy memories. The only thing that kept me at it, through this, was setting new strength goals. Focusing on being able to do things I wanted to do, like lift a kayak onto my car roof after a 10 mile paddle, helped me see my love for myself, gave me goals that were about my life and interests instead of my body. It helped me through.
Am I losing weight? No.
Everyone asked at first. I started at 155 pounds. I'm now smaller, much stronger, slimmer, and I'm 168 right now. I'm not losing weight at all. I'm gaining. Not the same thing. We totally need a new phrase for this.
I'm slimming down, and, yeah, is looking good on me.
I looked good before, and I tire of the question. My body is not a object, it's an aspect of my full self. I didn't consent to objectifying questions about my body. Even if they are compliments, even if it is confirming my own assessment from looking in the mirror myself. If people were asking me if I were getting healthier, asking about that rather than asking if my ass was smaller; that would have been nicer. But they were inquiring specifically to the cultural-attractiveness-value of my physical appearance. This was a little extra difficult because seeing myself looking thinner had that historic painfulness associated with it at first. I didn't want my coworkers to tell me how great I looked, or squeeze my butt cheeks while I was washing out my bowl in the kitchenette. Yeah. That happened. In an academic office. Seriously. Realizing how much attention and comment the act of starting to change my body composition was getting from those who see me daily- coworkers, family, strangers who have 'seen me around,' etc: it's something I found unsettling. It's my body, if I want to work on changes without there being a fuss, I probably should have non-fuss as an available option. In reality, low profile for this was not possible.
Instead, I deflected. I answered that I was "losing size and gaining weight" and watched the faces turn to utter confusion. "How is that possible?" This turned the conversation onto the topic of fitness misconceptions and off the topic of my body being an object that was okay to publicly question and discuss. This worked for me, I felt much better with this. And, I also started carrying things in my back pockets... because it was harder to tell if my ass was changing shape when my wallet, phone, and keys were hanging out in the same space and obscuring the view.
Has anyone ever told you that your fitness progress is making them feel bad?
Apparently this is a thing. The guy that prompted this book review made such comments, and I listened. I stopped. That was different because I was scared. But even in better situations, it still feels crappy hearing that. It's still hard to talk to people who express such thoughts. This is where I bring in and loudly express my exuberant belief that "strong is sexy" without respect to body type. Skinny tiny women who are strong and healthy, muscle bound body builder ladies, or gorgeous ample energetic curvy women - it's all completely amazing and sexy. And I'll tell that to anyone who says my choices about my own body are "making them feel bad." I'll tell them all about how sexy women are - of all body types - until that person is too uncomfortable to stick around... or until they start to appreciate their own body a little better. Whichever comes first.
Tissue is interesting. Does strange things. Doesn't like changing.
Skin, fat, muscle, these all react to composition changes in unique ways. I'm pretty darned sure it's very very different on everyone. Though I think I can universally say that thinning out won't give anyone's body an airbrushed look. Only airbrushes imbue the airbrushed look. Real life isn't going to be picture perfect, and for me this was a specific list of things to grapple with.
I spontaneously decided one day to call that particular moment when skin and muscle first meet, the moment when there's all of a sudden no fat dividing some small spot in the skin from the muscle tissue, I decided to call it "touch-down." And for me, these moments are super awkward looking at first. Funny puckers, off-centered-ness, unnatural looking contours. They work themselves out in time, tension of asymmetry pulls things into the proper placement eventually, and smooths out the odd angles. Eventually.
Skin that's been part of a fold or crease for a long time doesn't like adapting to consistent exposure to air, either. Acne, irritation, and red lines can take a long time to diminish. I think of these marks as a form of measurable proof of how much I've accomplished, which helps for me.
Metabolism takes effect in unusual patterns, too. Muscle mass, for me, builds before fat loss really starts to take hold in reaction to the muscle metabolism boost. This means that I often get bigger before I get smaller. Makes it a bit of a rollercoaster of sizing. Plus skin doesn't always have the elasticity one might hope for. Bicycle short wearing days here and there helped put some perk back in my skin when perk wasn't happening on its own. All of it is a process.
All of this contributes to moments when I'd look at my outcomes in the mirror and feel weird about it. I decided to be fascinated by the awkward moments. That was the best answer for me. It turned out it was very fascinating to see the changes settle in over time as new changes took on the awkward look instead.
Some changes are very personal.
This, I'm going to address scientifically, because it's both taboo and very personal. Something that ought to be private, definitely.
So I'll take scientific wording as my ally for this topic.
Females may find that changes in body composition include changes to intimate anatomy. Smaller bras may be required to maintain proper support, as you might expect. Sensation and sensitivity may also change. There's no gentle way to explain an additional component, which is that labia lose fat, too, which can change, though not necessarily improve, sensations with intimate touch. You may find a need to re-learn your body as a result of this process.
This information is uncomfortable to think about, isn't it?
I guess that's why I never hear anyone talk about it. Have you had deterrents to healthy behavior that were hard to talk about or weirded you out? Have you already found your own examples of how the romanticized idea of fitness perpetuated in our culture are just plain inaccurate? Do you have your own input, your own struggles that have made pursuing a fitness goal problematic?
You're beautiful right now. Believe that, please try. Strong is sexy, but what's even sexier is happiness.
AND I want to do a writing about how awesome the process of fitness is, too. Because it's also awesome. In addition to awkward and uncomfortable, also awesome. It's totally a mixed bag. Plus a writing about how sick I used to be before the gluten free diet, now that I realize this is apparently missing... that couldn't hurt, I guess.
I've forgotten what wheat products ever tasted like. I've forgotten how to think that the smell of wheaty products is anything other than icky. I may be losing my touch for creating recipes due to lack of base perspective! So I think I'll take a short turn to get myself back on the active here at the Glutenless Garden. A turn to fitness discussion for a bit. Cuz why not.
