I've mentioned there's a book I'm reading that's important but is also causing me strife. Well, I finished it.
Two years ago I didn't know the warning signs of a dangerous man. A year and a half ago I got myself free. It was short lived, but it was real and scary. Three months ago I decided it was time to review as much literature as I could on the topic of warning signs of abuse, and all at once I took out 7 books on partner abuse and warning signs of a dangerous relationship, and I kept checking out more. One was crap, several were very very good, and one stands out as the best by far. The best is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The librarians have been looking at me oddly when they review my account, mostly I sense they are concerned but hoping I'm writing a paper or something. I'm at the library a lot.
So I'm going to do a book review, with suggestions for related reading. People of any gender or orientation, and those who have never experienced abuse would likely still benefit from these books for different but still powerful reasons.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
In reading Why does he do that, it does revisit memories I'd so much rather forget, though I'm also finding in the pages just how much I did right. I missed the warning signs and didn't call the police soon enough, but to say I only endured it for a few months, and that I did not have to run from my own home, those are huge. The process of making that happen was terrifying, and lead me to feel as isolated as I've ever felt, but I got there.
If you've been through this, reading about it is disturbing at best, but also empowering because it's giving you the tools to recognize what is likely to come before it happens, and before you're in too deep. Getting out is so much harder once your safety and everything you know and love is threatened by anything he doesn't like about you.
This book also gave me tools to better understand the very broken home of my family of origin. After reading this, I feel equipped to perhaps have some difficult discussions if I so choose. Why does he do that? covers such a broad area of topics from how he gets in, to how to get out, dealing with the legal system, how an abusive man uses family dynamics to his advantage, what kinds of lies he uses, the types of actions he may take to retain the relationship and re-trap his partner, how his logic works when he really isn't lying, how to help someone you love who is trapped, how to influence your community's culture to be less accepting of abusers and more supportive of the victim, what kind of language to use to help children, and how a former victim can get involved in the cause. In the last chapters, the author goes into detail of the kinds of interventions that work, drawing on his 15 years of experience as a successful counselor in a court mandated abuse corrective group therapy program designed to direct batterers into a more productive lifestyle. The author breaks stereotypes and myths wide open time and again, from the idea that a battered woman is weak for returning to her batterer, to pointing out the vast array of socioeconomic statuses of the batterers he's counseled (ministers, college professors and CEOs to name a few). His points are well supported and thoroughly explained.
Only disappointments:
While he does touch on the subject several times, and gives some considerable detail, he could have spent much more detail on the topic of the dynamics of abuse in an LGBT relationship. I was happy to see it covered to the extent it was, I just hope there is as good a quality of book as this that specifically covers the topic.
Also, the book could have been a little more graceful in pointing out the statistics in the ways the abusive men typically use a justification that the abuse was mutual, or that she is the abusive one. It is VERY true (I say from experience) that an abusive man can both push a woman to hit him out of frustration or just out of her wanting the abuse to happen before he gets really worked up in order to limit how damaging it is. But I do think that in the genuine cases where a man is being abused by a woman, this book could be detrimental, and in the cases where the man is the abuser and blaming it on the woman, he's more likely to throw the book across the room (and possibly at her) than he is to take anything useful away from reading it.
Two other books:
Dangerous Relationships by Noelle Nelson
This book is a great one for an introduction, and totally a page turner! It's actually a joy to read, very much like a mystery novel since it starts out with the end of the stories for 4 very different individuals (A man being abused by his wife, a woman being abused by a husband, a friend abusing a friend, and a gay man being abused by his boyfriend) and each have horrifically tragic endings - that's where it starts. Then it immediately goes in to how the relationship began, and it's amazing how each of these relationships have just about everything in common in the way the victim was lured in and then how they got to the point that they did, and even why they didn't see it or leave sooner. The author is the post-trauma counselor for each of these individuals, extreme domestic abuse trauma recovery is her specialty. In the midst of this story telling, the author offers ways to draw more information out of a person you're involved with about their mind set, how to respond to red flags, how to determine when there are enough red flags to walk, and also some advise on how to walk out. As an easy read and thorough introduction, this is my top recommendation - if you're only going to read one book, read this one. It will help you understand both people in an abusive situation much better, a great tool for anyone wondering, "How could I/he/she let this happen?" Believe it or not, you'll actually enjoy the read.
How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John van Epp
Humorous and enormously helpful. This book goes into a lot more in subtleties, looking at people you might fall in love with who are no actually abusive, but are instead just jerks. It is rich with warning signs and how to test your instincts about a person. This focuses on the typical relationship snags with bad outcomes - he or she turns on the charm heavy while courting you, and then stops trying at all or otherwise proceeds to make you greatly regret hooking up with them once they feel they've "got you." It's sort of a 'buyer beware' manual for relationships. Being not as harsh as the above two, in that it's helping to prevent much less dangerous problems, it is more universally accessible, though written exclusively for singles. I particularly liked that it took the advise in the abuse books back several steps to scrutinize earlier and less severe warning signs. If you're happily married, though, you'll have no use for this book. The books on abuse though, those are still important, if you have friends or family at all, the likely hood is you might find yourself on the sidelines wondering what is going on and what you can do.
And to lighten the mood, here's Randal enjoying some fresh cat nip.
He looks a little stoned, doesn't he?
Also, after a full month of messing around with it, I finally have a recipe for Crepes! Hooray! I'll have that up soon. And I got the "stuff" for my no-bake pie crust, just needed nuts and dates, so that should be coming soon, too. I harvested a ton of fiddle heads yesterday, I don't need any seeds, so I'm picking and freezing them all this year instead. They make a nice spice, and I got a huge bag of them. And I got a little sunburn on my chest and shoulders, it's itchy.
Happy Summer!
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